But What About VOLDEMORT?
by Da Phoenix 13
Summary: Things are going a little bit wrong in the HP universe... Ron's marrying Dobby, the Marauders are having a tea party, and OH YEAH, Voldemort keeps popping up and killing everyone! NOW COMPLETE, OMG!
1. The Yule Ball

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Harry Potter. Do you remember it happening this way in the book?!? And yes, I'm writing this completely sober. 4 realz.

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Harry and Parvati whirled about the dance floor at the Yule Ball, Harry still treading on Parvati's toes on every other step. He would have absolutely failed on the "Dancing with the Dark Wizard Killaz" show that was so popular on WWTV (Wizarding World Television). Parvati didn't seem to mind too much though, as she was so entranced with Harry that she couldn't keep her eyes off him.

Tripping over his own feet, Harry couldn't believe how absolutely beautiful his partner was. His bespectacled green eyes hungrily sought her brown ones, and they slowly stopped their dance even as the music went on.

"Er… Parvati?" Harry began, rather shyly.

"Yes, Harry?" she replied breathlessly.

"I know that we're only 14, and we've never really talked before this and all," Harry began, nervous sweat running down his back, "but I just have to say… I love you, Parvati!"

"Ooooh!" she squealed, still absolutely besotted with The Boy Who Lived. "I love you too, Harry!"

Harry smiled happily; his first date was going much better than he ever could have anticipated. He pulled out a velvet box from his pocket that he had brought with him for just such an occasion. "Parvati… will you marry me?????"

"OMG YES!!!!!" said Parvati, seizing the box from his hands and putting the ring on herself. Then the two shared a passionate kiss – or rather, Harry slobbered all over Parvati's chin.

"Let's go tell everyone!" said Harry happily, and they went off to find Ron.

They found him tied to a chair next to Padma, who was holding a knife on him in case he tried to escape from her. "Hey Ron, guess what?!" said Harry. "Parvati and I are getting married!"

"Bloody hell!" cried Ron, jumping up and freeing himself from his bonds (Padma looked sulky and went off to find a Hufflepuff boy to torture). "That means we can have a double wedding!"

"What?!" yelped Parvati. "You're marrying my sister?"

"No – although that would be really hot," said Ron, daydreaming his Doublemint Twins fantasy. "No… Harry, I'm marrying DOBBY!!!!!!"

"Brilliant!" said Harry sincerely; Parvati looked confused, wondering what a homosexual elf-lover was doing at the ball with her sociopathic twin sister. Then she spotted Lavender Brown and went to tell her best friend her news.

"LIKE OMG LAVENDER! I'M MARRYING HARRY!!!" Parvati shrieked, giggling madly.

"LIKE OMG WOWWWW!!!" said Lavender, also giggling like a maniac. The two girls kept giggling and giggling and giggling and giggling… until their heads exploded.

"Aw man," said Harry sadly, looking at the headless corpse of his fiancée. "Guess that means we can't have a double wedding anymore, Ron," he continued, looking at his best friend.

"That is OK, Harry Potter," said Dobby, coming out from under the table they were sitting at. "Wheezy and I will still be very happy together." He gazed fondly at his human lover whose name he still didn't know and couldn't pronounce.

Their conversation was interrupted by Fred Weasley's shouts of joy. "Hey everyone!" he shouted to the Yule Ball at large. "I just asked Angelina Johnson to marry me… and she said yes!"

"No one cares!" shouted Neville Longbottom. "You're just the comic relief; you have no purpose in the central narrative!" At that moment, one of the castle walls collapsed on top of Fred, squishing him.

"Well, that was unfortunate," said Ron. Then he and Harry spotted Hermione; they still had to tell her the big news!

"Hey Hermione, guess what?!" said Harry. "Parvati and I are getting married… or we would be, if her head hadn't exploded." He was filled with ANGST and WOE for a few moments.

"And Dobby and I are getting married too!" said Ron proudly, oblivious to his best friend's misery.

"But Dobby's a boy elf…" Hermione looked confused for a few moments, then shook it off with a grin as she told them, "Well, I have some news too!"

"OMG WHAT?!" asked Harry and Ron excitedly, Harry's sorrow forgotten.

"Malfoy and I are getting married too!!!!" proclaimed Hermione.

Her news was met with the sound of crickets as the Great Hall filled with stunned silence. "Just KIDDING!" she said cheerfully.

But it was too late; Harry and Ron had already dropped dead from heart attacks at the HORRIBLE NEWS.

"Noooooooooo!!!!!!" Dobby sank to his little elfin knees. "Wheezy!!! Speak to meeee!!!" Ron remained silent, since he was, after all, dead. Dobby sobbed over the body of his red-haired lover.

"It's OK… come to Kreacher, Dobby," said Kreacher seductively, beckoning from the doorway of the Great Hall dressed in sexy lingerie. Dobby squealed with elfish delight and ran to the comfort of his REAL true love.

"But wait!" Fred got out of the rubble, shaking his head to get the pebbles out of his hair.

"But… but you were dead!" said Angelina, wiping away her tears of grief.

Fred laughed. "Oh, my silly fiancée… the Weasley twins can't die! Anyway, as I was saying, what are we going to do now that Harry's dead?"

"I would assume that we should bury him," said Hermione, frowning at the corpses of her two best friends.

"I think what he's trying to say," interjected George, "is BUT WHAT ABOUT _VOLDEMORT_????"

Just then, Voldemort Apparated in the middle of the Yule Ball, looking furious.

"WHAT ABOUT ME, _PUNK?!?!?!?_" he roared, whipping out his wand and shooting Killing Curses everywhere.

Within minutes, everyone in the Great Hall was dead, and Voldemort was surrounded by the bodies of every major character in the series… all except two, who were huddled behind Hagrid's massive body.

"Well, that went pretty well," said Voldemort, surveying the massacre with satisfaction. "Now for some well-deserved LEMON PIE!!!!" He picked up a slice from the refreshment table and stuffed it into his mouth.

Too late, he realized that something was wrong with this lemon pie… very wrong. "Blechhhh!" cried Voldemort, spitting out the pie. "That lemon pie was WAY too sour!" He searched for something to wash out the taste with, and his red eyes fell on the bowl of punch. He gulped down the whole bowl in one swallow, realizing too late that the punch bowl, being a punch bowl at a school dance, was probably spiked with something. "Oh well," he said, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to…"

_KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!_

Voldemort had spontaneously combusted, creating a massive fireball in the middle of the Great Hall. Slowly, two red-headed sixteen-year-olds got up and dusted themselves off.

"Blimey," said George, "I didn't know that our Love Potion would do that to Voldemort!" He and Fred had spiked the punch bowl with love potion, hoping to create a bit of romantic mayhem and liven up the ball.

"Well, Dumbledore always said that love would destroy him someday," said Fred, shrugging. "Not that the potion wasn't a laugh back when everyone was alive… I mean, Ron and DOBBY?" The twins burst out laughing.

"Hey…" said George slowly. "That means we just defeated Voldemort! WITHOUT HARRY!!!" He began to do his patented Happy Dance ™.

Fred made his way over to Neville's body, shaking his head at it. "No purpose in the central narrative, my ARSE!" he said, and he and George high-fived.

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_Author's note: Yay, Fred lives!!!! Ok, so this is the first in probably like three-ish chapters, the rest of which I will write someday... or maybe not. REVIEW and maybe I'll update!!_


	2. The Madness of Mr Crouch

_Get ready for crazy installment number 2 – with 73 percent more random death and TWICE the healthy amount of lemon pie!!!_

_Disclaimer: Again, if it were mine, it would have happened this way in the book. Oh yeah, and still sober!_

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It was just a typical day at Hogwarts in Harry's fifth year: Dragons roamed free throughout the grounds, the desks were gallivanting up and down the halls, the Slytherins were fixin' to lynch a couple of Muggleborns, and once again, someone was trying to kill Harry Potter. 

Yup, completely normal.

"Pass the cornflakes, Ron," said Harry, completely unperturbed by his fourth assassination attempt of that morning, in which Malfoy had narrowly missed him with a killing curse.

"Sure thing, mate," said Ron, handing over the breakfast cereal. Harry poured himself a bowl, dropping his spoon onto the ground as he did so. Bending it over to pick it up, he managed to avoid the flaming arrow Umbridge had shot at his back; it landed harmlessly in the table, and Harry sat up clutching his spoon, still unperturbed by all these people who were obviously out to get him.

"It says here that there's a mad axe-man on the loose," said Hermione placidly, turning the page of the _Daily Prophet_.

"Huh, how about that?" said Ginny, picking at her kippers.

"Bet he tries to kill Harry," said Dean, shooting a glance at The Boy Who Was About To Be Impaled By A… wait, just kidding. Crabbe missed.

Harry looked up, shocked. "_People are trying to kill me?????"_ he whispered, terrified.

"Um…" said Seamus, stealing a glance at Snape, who was surreptitiously trying to pour poison into Harry's pumpkin juice.

"Duh," said Luna calmly, who was for some reason sitting at the Gryffindor table with the rest of them.

"You haven't noticed?" said Parvati.

"It's been so obvious," chimed Neville, Colin, Dennis, Lavender, and Nearly-Headless Nick all together.

Harry jumped up. "I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!" he screamed, running for the door.

"Harry, no!" cried Lavender. "There are 13 of us sitting here… and Professor Trelawney says that the first of 13 to rise is the first to die!!"

Hermione scoffed. "And like Professor McGonagall said, it's not like the first one to leave is going to get killed by a mad axe-man."

But no sooner had she spoken than Harry reached the doors to the Great Hall, where none other than Barty Crouch, Sr., stood, shaking madly and clutching a rusty axe in his hand.

"Um," said Harry. "What? THIS is the madness of Mr. Crouch?"

Just then, Mr. Crouch chose the most subtle act of killing Harry Potter that was possible, and he chopped off Harry's head.

"LOOK OUT, EVERYONE, I'M CRAZY!!!!!!!" he shrieked, and then he proceeded to slaughter everyone in the Great Hall. Within minutes, everyone was dead, and Mr. Crouch, being the crazy axe-murderer that he was, cackled madly and then chopped off his own head.

A random Muggle just so happened to choose that moment to walk by Hogwarts and wonder aloud, "But what about VOLDEMORT?"

Immediately and predictably, Voldemort chose that moment to appear and shriek:

"WHAT ABOUT ME, _PUNK?!?!?!?_" And Voldemort killed the random Muggle. "Wait…" pondered Voldemort. "How did that Muggle know about me?" He shrugged and continued looking for more people to kill.

After a 73-hour-long killing spree, every major, minor, and cameo character in the novel, including Cornelius Fudge, Mark Evans, That Random Wizard Who Harry Potter Saw On The Street That One Time, and J.K. Rowling herself, had been killed, as well as everyone on the entire planet. With his rage finally ebbing away, Voldemort made the trek back to his secret lair for some special dessert…

"Wormtail!!" Voldemort called, wiping his feet on the mat that said LAIR, SWEET LAIR. "Fetch me my lemon pie!"

There was no answer.

"OI! WORMTAIL!!" Voldemort called, his homicidal rage returning. "Where is my lemon…?" He froze, staring down at Wormtail's body. "Oh, right…" murmured Voldemort. "I killed him. Oh well. LUCIUS! LEMON PIE, CHOP CHOP!"

But Lucius didn't answer either, since Voldemort had killed him too. He frowned and said "Bellatr-" But Bellatrix was on vacation in Niger. And oh yeah, he had killed everyone in Niger. "Aw, CRAP!" sulked Voldemort. "Now how on earth am I going to get that lemon pie?" He sat and pondered for a moment, completely ignoring the fresh one sitting on the lair's kitchen counter. But at that moment, the doorbell rang.

Voldemort blinked. "Who on earth could that be?" he wondered. He went to answer the door; it was a Muggle postman, holding a package for him.

"Gee, thanks!" squealed Voldemort, grabbing the package from the postman. "And oh yeah… AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!" The postman dropped dead to the floor. "Missed that one," he muttered as he began to tear the huge package to shreds in his attempts to open it. It was a giant box, wrapped in purple glittery paper with a big pink bow tied on top. "Well, someone has good taste in wrapping paper," said Voldemort happily. He opened the card:

_Dear Mr. Voldemort,_

_CONGRATULATIONS!! You have been selected to receive all the money in the world! It's all here in this package. __Enjoyyyyyyy!_

_Love,_

_The Society of Anonymous Benefactors for the Evil Schemes of Dark Lords (TSOABFTESODL)_

"Hooray! I like money!" said Voldemort cheerfully, grinning from ear to ear… oh wait, he doesn't have ears. He ripped open the package and began handling all the bills…

"AAAAAAAHHH!!!!" cried Voldemort, holding up his index finger. "PAPER CUT!!!!!!!" The agony was unbearable, his finger would surely burst, he wanted it to end… to black out… to die…

_KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Voldemort exploded in a fiery fireball that the Weasley twins could see from the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes Moon branch, where they had conveniently set up shop just that morning.

"OMG! What was that?" cried Fred, looking up from the lunar cash register.

"I think it was Voldemort," said George, peering out the window. "He probably spontaneously exploded."

"What, again?! Doesn't Da Phoenix have any other ways to end her stories?"

George shrugged. "But all I want to know is, but what about…"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GODRIC, DON'T START THAT AGAIN!!!!!!" Fred bellowed.

George frowned. "I was GOING to say, but what about the human race? We're the only ones left now, since we were the only ones with enough sense to move to the moon, and I'm not sure how we can perpetuate the species…"

Fred looked at George, and George looked at Fred, and as their identical eyes met, a lunar breeze ruffled George's scarlet hair, making him look the sexiest he had ever been in his life, and, overcome with passion, Fred began to reach for him…

"GROSS!!!!!" yelled George, smacking his twin brother across the face. "TWINCEST?!? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME, MAN?"

"Sorry," said Fred, shaking his head slightly, as though he were trying to get water out of his ears. "I don't know what came over me… Damn you, Da Phoenix!!" he roared, shaking his fist at the ceiling.

Both now morally and fundamentally opposed to the thought of procreating with (shudder shudder) each other, Fred and George began to ponder how they could possibly find a hot girl who would love them, now that all the girls on Earth were dead. But just then, a flying saucer landed outside their shop, and two very attractive alien girls came down, beckoning to the twins.

Fred and George exchanged gleeful looks. "Hot damn!" exclaimed George.

"We got us some hot babeliens!" rejoiced Fred, still so happy to be alive, as he and George exchanged yet another high five. _(Author's note: __Haha, that rhymes!)_

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_Ideas?? __Suggestions??__ Send them to me! AND REVIEW!!!!! All reviewers get their very own lemon pie, and my undying gratitude for ending my writer's block. Because I only have one more chapter conceived. Sooooo if you want the craziness to continue, give me some ideas for scenes similar to the two I've written up, where Voldemort can show up and kill everyone and still have it be hilarious. Thanks guys! You're great... all 3 of you who bothered to review, anyway. :)_


	3. The Marauders Randomly Pop Up

_Yay, chapter 3!!!! Serenity12345, this one's for you! And the rest of you, keep those suggestions coming, because my writer's block doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon. And all 6 of you people bothering to read my story, let me know when I stop being funny._

_Disclaimer: Drug-free's the way to be... and write fanfiction. Because that's all this is. A fanfiction. AKA I'm not JKR._

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It was the spring of 1978, and the Marauders had decided to have a tea party. 

"But a MANLY tea party, right Prongs?" said Sirius anxiously.

"Absolutely, Padfoot!" responded James, tying his flowery pink apron around his waist. "Now who wants lemon pie?!?"

"MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Peter, waving his hands spastically in the air.

"Meh, I'll pass," said Remus, not looking up from his book, which was entitled _How to __Seduce__ A Metamorphmagus Who Is Way Too Young For You When __You're __A Werewolf__ No One Else Will Love._ "There's no chocolate in it." As he spoke, he inhaled several Hershey's bars.

"Not to mention that it's been WAY overused in this story so far," added Sirius, also refusing the yellow pastry full of clichéd lemony goodness.

"Suit yourself," said James, shrugging and helping himself to more lemon pie. Then his heart leapt as he saw the most beautiful girl in existence walking across the lawn toward their tea party, her red hair rippling in the breeze, her emerald eyes sparkling in the April sunlight. James's hands hurriedly leapt to his head as he flattened his hair, trying to get rid of the permanent illusion of sex hair he always seemed to have. (Flattening his hair was a habit he had recently acquired around her, since apparently she didn't find the windsweptness sexy.)

"All right, Evans?" he asked as she approached the gathering.

"Meh," she responded, sitting with the rest of them and helping herself to lemon pie.

"Well, I bet I know how to make your day less 'meh'," said James in a winning voice, winking at her. "How about you go out with me?"

"James," Lily deadpanned, "I've already agreed to marry you."

"Oh, right," said James. "Sorry… old habits die hard, I guess…" He took a giant bite of lemon pie to hide his embarrassment. Lily shook her head at him, though her eyes were full of love for the spastic, slightly effeminate Gryffindor Chaser.

"If Prongs doesn't watch himself, he's going to have a little Prongs on his hands before too long," said Remus in an undertone to Sirius.

"Pffff, yeah right!" said Sirius. "And Voldemort's going to be defeated by the power of LOOOOOVVVEE, too, I suppose?"

"Well, I'd like a large wedding too, but… _what_ about Voldemort?" said Lily, interrupting her own conversation with James to look, puzzled, at Sirius.

"NOOOO, TAKE IT BACK!!!!" said Sirius, looking around, terrified, as Voldemort Apparated into their midst, knocking over the tea kettle.

"WHAT ABOUT ME, _PUNK?!?!?!?_" Voldemort screamed furiously, though sounding a bit weary of this gag, as he whipped out his wand and fired a Killing Curse at Peter, who dropped dead instantly.

"Oh, CRAP!" said James, leaping to his feet. He held up his fists. "Don't worry, Lily, I'll protect you!!!"

"James, you prat, you left your wand in your other pants!" Lily cried, leaping to her feet too.

"And NOW, Potter," snarled Voldemort, raising his wand level with James's heart, "you will meet your… IS THAT LEMON PIE?!?!?"

"Er… yeah?" said James, glancing at the confectionary. "Would you like some?"

"Oooooh, yes!" Voldemort shrieked happily, picking up the pie plate where most of the pie still was still sitting. "I suppose this ALMOST circular piece will be enough… though mine are usually COMPLETELY circular…" He swallowed the pie whole, smacking his lips contentedly. "Ahhhh… that hits the spot! I've been waiting for almost three whole chapters to get some decent lemon pie in this story!"

"It's delicious, isn't it?" said Sirius, for once glad that lemon pie was a lame recurring gag.

"Are you mad??" said Remus, staring at Sirius in disbelief. "It's not nearly chocolatey enough… I mean, oh yeah, hooray for lemon pie!" he added quickly, catching on as Lily glared at him murderously.

"Yupppp, that was delectable," said Voldemort happily, rubbing his stomach. "So… what's new with you all?"

"Evans and I are getting married in the summer!" offered James happily.

"Wow, that's great!" said Voldemort sincerely. "Do you still need bridesmaids?!?" His pale snakelike face had an ecstatic, dreamlike look on it as the Dark Lord pictured himself in a pink silk gown, with beautiful, elegant stilettos on his feet and his hair done in a breathtaking… oh wait, HE DOESN'T HAVE HAIR.

"Um… just one," said Lily, looking extremely uncomfortable. "But," she added hastily, because Voldemort was about to open his big, fat, stupid, lipless mouth again, and because she wasn't sure her parents would approve of the Dark Lord being one of her bridesmaids, "I'm pretty sure that my friend Alice will be the last one."

Voldemort's face fell. "You mean… you guys don't… _like me???"_ he whimpered, burying his face in his hands.

"No, no!" said James hastily, patting the Dark Lord on the back comfortingly. "It's _because_ we like you that we don't want you in our wedding… it's a complicated emotion… yeah, that's it!"

Voldemort's head shot up, glaring around at the future husband and wife.

_"Screw all y'all,"_ he hissed as he Disapparated.

And that was how Lily and James (as well as Alice Longbottom) defied the Dark Lord the first time.

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Meanwhile, at the Burrow, two-year-old Percy Weasley was watching his newborn twin brothers, asleep in their bassinets. "Sleep tight," he whispered as he tiptoed out. 

But no sooner had he closed the door than a flying lemon pie came up and hit the toddler in the face.

"FREDDIE!!!! GEORGIE!!!!" their mother yelled as Percy's tears grew louder and louder.

In the Weasleys' nursery, the two infants high-fived.

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_Sooo there's chapter 3! Formulaic? Maybe a little. :) But hey, I didn't kill off any of the Marauders, now, did I? Well, except Peter, but no one likes him. Now keep those reviews coming, they totally make my day! Although you might have to wait a little for your Lemon Pies O' Gratitude, since a certain Dark Lord keeps eating them all. (glares pointedly at Voldemort) Next chapter will probably be Quidditch, partly because it's the only other idea I've gotten, but also because it's got a built-in excuse to write more Gred and Forge!_

_Annnnnnnnnnnd btw, if you can't wait for another update, check out my other story, Hogwarts Musical! (I personally liked it a lot more than some of these... especially this chapter, which is somewhat lacking in comedic genius, in my opinion.) Again, REVIEW POR FAVOR!!!!!!!_


	4. A Chapter About A Quidditch Match

_Hooray for chapter 4! Thanks, Ziggy Frances, for rescuing me from my own uncreativity. But don't feel left out, the rest of you! You could be famous too if you'd give me some ideas for more chapters! And all you Da Phoenix stalkers out there, let's see if you can recognize the Hogwarts Musical references. _

_Is a disclaimer still necessary? Well, here goes: Did you know sugar is a drug?? Well, it's not. So I'm still drug-free. And still own nothing but my own mental illnesses._

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It was the final Quidditch match of Harry's third year, and he never ceased to be amazed that small children were still allowed to play a sport this dangerous. Oliver Wood stood at the front of the locker room, addressing the team in his usual manic fashion. 

"OK!!!!" he yelled excitedly, although his teammates couldn't have been more than two feet from him. "We're going to GO OUT there and GIVE IT OUR BEST, you UNDERSTAND?!?!?!?" As he spoke, he opened his fifth can of Red Bull and began chugging it.

"Um, okay, Oliver," said Alicia Spinnet hesitantly.

"Whatever you say," added Katie Bell with a weirded-out expression on her face.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" responded Oliver, crushing the empty Red Bull can against his forehead. "Now WHAT TEAM?!?!?"

"Um…………… Gryffindor?" said Harry.

"WHAT TEAM?!?!?"

"Gryff… fin… dor?" attempted the girls, all highly disturbed at Oliver's behavior.

"WHAT TE-" But Oliver was cut off by Fred whacking him in the back of the head with his Beater's bat, rendering the obnoxious, hyperactive captain unconscious. "Let's just do this already," he grumbled, leading the rest of the team onto the pitch.

The Slytherin team was already there; Harry couldn't help but notice, nervous as he was, that Draco was looking exceptionally sexy today.

"Hey Malfoy!" he shouted. "I hope Voldemort KILLS you in this chapter!!" Draco smirked and blew him a kiss, which Harry caught.

The match began, and it was the bloodiest Quidditch game that had ever been played in human consciousness.

"And Angelina Johnson just got her arm sliced off by a passing Bludger!" announced Lee Jordan, commentating as usual. "Who knew that was even possible? But Slytherin takes the Quaffle and… can they beat the Keeper? Oh right, Wood decided to NOT SHOW UP today. So, of course, Slytherin scores." The Slytherins cheered like bloodthirsty Spartans.

Katie Bell, distracted by the raucous cheering of the Slytherins, failed to notice where she was flying and so crashed her broom into the Ravenclaw stands. Not only did she manage to injure several nerds who actually showed up to watch the game, but she also managed to knock over their science project, creating a mushroom cloud that annihilated the entire House.

"And Katie Bell has managed to take out one-fourth of the entire school!" Lee shouted over the cries of the students. "Well, that'll teach them for messing with nuclear waste… And what the hell is going on with Alicia Spinnet?"

For Alicia had just landed and was now busy building a sandcastle in the random sand pit under the goal hoops. Her face was alight with childlike glee, and Madam Hooch didn't seem to have the heart to tell her to get back on the broom, since she ignored what Alicia was doing in order to stop the Slytherin Chasers from setting fire to one another.

"Oooookeeeaaaaaaayy…" said Lee, puzzled by his girlfriend's behavior. "But now how can Gryffindor win with only three players still on the team?"

"Wait, what?!?" said Harry, looking around, since he had been completely oblivious to the carnage occurring over the last half of a page.

"Regroup!" shouted George as he, Fred, and Harry landed for a team huddle.

"Okay," said Fred slowly, "Harry, you and George are going to have to play Chaser as well as being Beater and Seeker for now. I'll try to be Keeper _and_ Beater…"

"Why not just ask Ron to fill in as Keeper?" asked Harry.

Both Fred and George burst out laughing. "Ron as Keeper?! Yeah right, and all three of us are going to get lifelong bans from the team too, I suppose?" said George, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.

"OK, enough fooling around," said Fred gruffly, for Quidditch was the only thing in life he took seriously. Well, that and pranking. And not dying. "BREAK!" And the three flew off, all still ignoring Alicia, whose sandcastle was starting to look pretty impressive… or it would have, if it was being built by a five-year-old. BURNNNNNNNN!!!

Harry grabbed the Quaffle from one of the smoldering Slytherin Chasers, still not completely sure why he was playing a game that was so dangerous. I mean, he was the world's only hope against Voldemort, wasn't he? Shouldn't the school be protecting him instead of making him play a game where he was very likely to get killed?!

"PASS IT HERE, POTTER!!!"

Harry started. Flying next to him, unsupported by a broom of any kind, his arms outstretched for the Quaffle, was none other than…

"OMG VOLDEMORT?!?!?!?" Harry yelped. "What are YOU doing here?!?!? No one even said, 'But what about VOLDEMORT?' this time!!!!!"

"Your MOM didn't say 'But what about Voldemort?' this time!!!" retorted Voldemort originally. "Now GIMME!!"

Against his better judgment, Harry threw Voldemort the Quaffle, realizing too late that Voldemort, being an ex-Slytherin and Harry's archnemesis, was probably not on Gryffindor's side. But he was surprised to see Voldemort keep flying toward the Slytherin goal hoops, a look of determination on his pasty, ugly, dumb, stupid, fat, deformed face. "GO VOLDY!!!!!" Harry screamed without realizing he was cheering on the man-thing that wanted him dead.

Voldemort was drawing nearer and nearer to the hoops, but the Slytherin Keeper was in the way… "AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort bellowed, drawing out his wand, and the Keeper was dead.

"GRYFFINDOR SCORES!!!!" Lee screamed into the magical megaphone. Professor McGonagall winced.

"JORDAN!!" she admonished, "It's a magical megaphone, you don't need to shout into it for them to be able to hear you!"

"**_SORRY!!!!_**" Lee yelled with the megaphone pointing into her face, and Professor McGonagall's head exploded from the earsplitting noise.

The match continued, no one noticing that the Slytherin Chasers had all been burned to death by one other and that the Beaters were whacking each other senseless with their clubs. Malfoy noted the excessively violent behavior of his teammates and smiled indulgently. "Awww gee whillikers, you guys are the best!" he said happily.

Noticing the very un-Death-Eater-like behavior of the son of one of his BFFs, Voldemort frowned and shot a Killing Curse at the blond Slytherin. He died instantly.

Now that the rest of the opposing team was dead, Gryffindor's way to victory was assured… well, almost. There was still the slight liablilty of Voldemort's presence on their team. It was quickly apparent that the goal he had gotten was a fluke, as George quickly discovered upon passing him the Quaffle again. Voldemort began speeding towards the goal, until he slowed down, stopping to stare transfixed at the spherical object in his hands.

"What are you doing?!?!?" Fred yelled at him. "SCORE AL-FREAKING-READY!!"

But no sooner had he spoken than Voldemort stuffed the Quaffle in his mouth.

Harry, Fred, and George stared at him. "Um," Harry finally said, "why'd you just do that?"

Voldemort slowly chewed the Quaffle with a look of contemplation. Finally, after several minutes, he swallowed, smacking his lips… oh wait, he doesn't have lips. Which is why he'll never have a girlfriend.

"I think that's the worst lemon pie I've ever had," he said finally.

Harry blinked; Fred and George looked at him like he was crazy – which he was. "…….Lemon pie?" Fred finally ventured.

"Quaffles are red," George added, looking absolutely stunned with his new teammate's stupidity and unhealthy obsession with citrus-based pastries. "And lemon pie is yellow… how the hell did you mix the two up?!?"

"Well, it was a RED lemon pie," said Voldemort, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Riiiiiiiiiiight…" Harry said. "But what about QUIDDITCH?" _(Author's note: Ha, new angle!)_

"Pfff, Quidditch?!?" snorted Voldemort, as if it was the funniest word he had ever heard. "Who ever heard of Quidditch? You crack me up, man." He slapped Harry on the back.

"You ruined the match because you ATE THE QUAFFLE!!" roared Fred, his face turning red as the "red lemon pie" that Voldemort had just eaten.

"Yeah, what the hell, Moldy Shorts?" said George, inadvertently saying the secret nickname that he and Fred had given the Dark Lord.

Voldemort's face darkened almost instantly. _"What?"_ he hissed dangerously. He drew out his wand; there was a flash of green light, and George dropped to the ground.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Fred, the Quidditch spectators, and Da Phoenix.

Harry felt an unnaturally strong desire for revenge… He wanted to cause Voldemort the same kind of pain he was feeling from George's untimely death. "Your mother eats gym shorts!!" he screamed, pointing a finger dramatically at Voldemort.

Voldemort rounded on Harry, his red eyes flashing murderously, his pasty skin turning the color of lobster bisque.

"WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER, _PUNK?!?!?!?!?" _he squealed as, once again, he began firing Killing Curses everywhere. After 43 minutes and 17 seconds, he was surrounded by the bodies of the Hogwarts students, teachers, and some random parents who had showed up to watch the game. He smiled at all the corpses, although he was starting to feel a little funny in his tummy.

"Haha, what now, bitches?" he said into dead Harry's face, as he held up his hand for a high-five. Sadly, because everyone was dead, no high-five came. Crestfallen, Voldemort lowered his hand, and as he did so…

_KABOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Voldemort exploded, again, though the fireball was twice as big as usual to make up for the lack of explosions in the last chapter. Fred's head popped up from behind George's body.

"Blimey!" he said to himself. "Too bad we decided to play with the exploding Quaffle today."

"You said it," replied George.

Fred blinked, a grin spreading across his gorgeous, freckly face. "George! You're alive!!"

"So it would seem," said George, smiling as he got to his feet. "But I just don't understand how…"

Laughing, Fred replied, "Oh George, weren't you paying attention in Chapter 1? The Weasley twins can't die!"

"Yay for being us!" beamed George, as he and Fred high-fived.

* * *

_Cheers if you also got the 300 reference! OK, let's see if you all can't help me out by answering a very important question: What the hell is beta-ing, and why is it so important? BUT WAIT!! You can only answer my question if you also give me a freakin' SUGGESTION. Sooooo review plzkthx._


	5. The Super Secret Death Eater Meeting

_Props to LilyBilly for today's chapter inspiration. Keep those reviews and suggestions coming, everyone... they make me happy, and when I'm happy I tend to write new chapters!!!_

_Somewhat Redundant Disclaimer: I'm still not JKR. But I'll let you know if I ever steal her identity! Ohh, and confession time: This chapter was brought to you by me... and some Sudafed. So I'm not clean for this one. :(_

* * *

"ORDER! ORDER!" Voldemort screeched, banging a gavel on the table in Malfoy Manor. "I hereby call this Death Eater meeting to order!!!" 

"We get it, we've been sitting here for like half an hour already!" said Snape, irritated. "Just tell us what your big scheme is!!" The other Death Eaters shifted in their seats, murmuring in agreement.

"Scheme?" repeated Voldemort, puzzled, shoving a third lemon pie into his mouth. "What are you TALKING about, Snapeadoodle? This is the meeting where we're supposed to discuss ideas for team-building exercises and ways to improve overall morale!!"

"LET'S HAVE A TEA PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" roared Greyback, pounding his hairy claws on the table.

"No _way!_" retorted Narcissa, glaring at Greyback. "The Marauders already had one of those in chapter 3… I think we should have a Death Eater Ball!"

"DEATH EATERS DO NOT HAVE BALLS!!!" Bellatrix screamed at her sister, shooting a Killing Curse at her; Narcissa dropped dead.

"Speak for yourself," muttered Lucius, taking a surreptitious glance between his legs.

"CEASE!!!" Voldemort barked, and all the Death Eaters instantly fell silent. "Did I ask for suggestions?!?!? I already devised a beneficial team-building activity for us all to do together!" The Dark Lord beamed, proud of himself for using a big word like "devised."

"Oooooh, what is it?" Yaxley wondered aloud.

"We are going to…" He got out a pretty pink playhouse, a pink wardrobe full of tiny ball gowns, and a box full of naked plastic dolls. "…play with BARBIES!!!!"

Draco squealed happily. "Oh hooray! I love Barbie!!!"

Voldemort frowned. "Didn't I kill you last chapter, whelp?!" But he refrained from doing so again, pleased that he found a Death Eater who actually enjoyed the simple pleasure of Barbie playing as much as he did.

……………………………………………………………….

"Would you like some more mochachino, Malibu Barbie?" Voldemort made his Barbie ask in a high-pitched voice to Lucius's doll.

"Why thank you oh so very much, NASCAR Barbie!" responded Lucius in a similar tone. "So how's the political campaign going, Firefighter Barbie?"

"Splendiferously," said Bellatrix's doll, though much gruffer-voiced than Voldemort's or Lucius's.

"WHERE'S THE LEMON PIE?!?!?!?" Greyback made American Idol Barbie roar.

NASCAR Barbie giggled. "Oh silly American Idol Barbie, if you eat lemon pie with your mochachinos, then you'll have to go to Aerobic Instructor Barbie for a MONTH! Isn't that right, Fruit-Based Pastry Aficionado Barbie?"

"Yupppppppp!!!!" said Fruit-Based Pastry Aficionado Barbie… or rather, Yaxley.

Draco made Stacie come running in, squealing, "Barbie, Barbie, Barbie!!!"

"Yes?" said Malibu Barbie, NASCAR Barbie, Firefighter Barbie, American Idol Barbie, and Fruit-Based Pastry Aficionado Barbie.

"Ken's here!!!!" shrieked Stacie in her shrill, piercing, little-girl voice.

"Draco!" Voldemort broke character to scold the Malfoy kid. "You're supposed to give the doll a DIFFERENT voice than the one you use all the time!" Draco scowled; he couldn't help that his natural voice was so well-suited to that of a plastic child! But he was distracted from his irritation by the tale that their dolls were enacting.

"Heyyyyy Barbie!!" Dolohov made a dashing, debonair plastic man say to Voldemort's NASCAR Barbie.

"Hey Hot Stuff, don't you mean me, your GIRLFRIEND???" trilled Lucius's Malibu Barbie.

"You can't possibly be my girlfriend," Ken frowned, "you're too much of a slut." Malibu Barbie burst into tears and threw herself into the Barbie Penthouse Swimming Pool, drowning. Lucius did the same, only he stuck his head into the pond in his front yard. Everyone else continued playing obliviously.

"So, baby," said Ken seductively to NASCAR Barbie, "what do you say you and me go off on a romantic date swimming with the porpoises?"

Voldemort squealed. "Oh Antonin!! I thought you'd never ask me!!!!!" Beaming, he flung his arms around Dolohov, who looked freaked out and freed himself from Voldemort's embrace, muttering, "Uh, no, m-my Lord… I mean, you're very attractive, it's just that I, uh…"

"Yes, Ken, let's go on our date now!" Voldemort made NASCAR Barbie squeak, flipping her blonde hair and adjusting her hot pink ball gown.

"But who's going to watch little Stacie?" Fruit-Based Pastry Aficionado Barbie wanted to know.

NASCAR Barbie sniggered. "Oh silly Fruit-Based Whatever Barbie; that's what younger sisters are for!" Voldemort made her tilt her head back and shriek, "Oh SKIIIIIIIIIIIPPERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Snape made his Skipper doll drag her feet into the pink plastic room. "What is it?" he asked dully, not even bothering to affect a feminine voice.

"Ken and I are going on a romantic date with all our friends," Voldemort announced squeakily. "It'll be like a quadruple date, except only one boy's coming with us."

"I'm such a PIMP!" Ken announced proudly, and American Idol Barbie swooned.

Snape scowled. It was always like this whenever the Death Eaters played Barbies: he _constantly_ got stuck with the awkward teenage doll while all the other, FAVORITE Death Eaters got the good ones like Malibu Barbie and Firefighter Barbie! This was why he had decided to become a spy for the Order: not because of Lily, but because of Skipper. And Snape had finally had enough.

"I've finally had enough!" he announced, throwing Skipper to the ground; her head popped off.

"SNAPE!!" cried Bellatrix, scandalized. "How dare you mistreat the Dark Lord's property?!?"

"Meh, whatever, it's only the Skipper doll," shrugged Voldemort. "What's on your mind, Sevviekins?"

Snape frowned at the undignified epithet, but continued, "This is such a frickin' waste of valuable Death Eater time!! We should be taking over the WORLD, not – " He gestured to the frozen smiles of the Barbies. " – making plastic dolls have messed-up romantic encounters!"

"Oh, calm down, we haven't even started the orgy yet," said Yaxley, rolling his eyes.

Snape repressed a shudder before continuing, "Well, I'm just saying… shouldn't we be focusing on, oh, I don't know, taking over the Ministry of Magic and destroying my friends- I mean enemies in the Order of the Phoenix?"

"We'll get to it eventually, Pop-Pop Snape," said Draco, using a term of endearment the boy had used for his godfather since he was two years old.

"_And cut it out with all these stupid nicknames!!!!!!!!!"_ Snape screamed.

"GET TO THE POINT, GREASEHEAD!!!!" roared Greyback.

Snape shot the werewolf a scathing look before continuing. "And my Lord… but what about Harry Potter?????????"

There was an almighty crash as the door fell to the ground, knocked off its hinges. The Death Eaters all turned around: There, having obviously just kicked down the door, stood Harry Potter, his wand clenched in his fist and a look of rage on his prepubescent face.

"WHAT ABOUT ME, _PUNK?!?!?!?_" he bellowed as he began to shoot curses everywhere.

However, unlike all of Voldemort's homicidal rampages, Harry's did not go nearly as well as he would have hoped. First of all, his aim was pretty bad, and instead of hitting his mortal enemy he hit things such as the walls, ceiling, and the Barbie Pretty Pink Pony Stable. Secondly, while Voldemort preferred to actually use Avada Kedavra to kill his victims, Harry hadn't yet realized why the Killing Curse was so named, so he was just shooting Expelliarmus everywhere. The Death Eaters watched this ineffectual rampage, torn between amusement and mortification on the poor misguided boy's behalf.

"POTTER!!!!!" Voldemort screamed, as one of Harry's Disarming curses actually found its mark, and NASCAR Barbie came flying out of the Dark Lord's hand. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!?"

"TEACHING YOU A LESSON!!!" Harry shouted back, though some of his enthusiasm for the surprise attack had faded, as his scowl became less pronounced and he began to slow down his curses.

Bellatrix shook her head. "Poor, stupid do-gooder," she said sadly. "Never learned how to kill people."

Harry finally gave up, flinging his wand to the ground and bursting into tears. "I just wanted to kill you!!" he sobbed, looking at Voldemort. "Is that too much to ask???"

"Awwww, don't worry, Harry!" said Voldemort, sweeping over to his archenemy and placing a comforting arm on the teen's shoulder. "I think you're a winner!"

Harry looked up, startled by their closeness and, even more, how much he was enjoying it. Those red eyes were especially alluring from close up, and the snakelike nostrils were a downright turn-on. He began to lean closer to Voldemort for a kiss…

"OY OY OY!!!!" cried Voldemort, backing up rapidly. "I wanted to make you feel better about yourself, but not like THAT! Yechhhhh!!!" Harry blinked and shook his head.

"Ew, sorry," he apologized. "For some reason, I confused eternal hatred with lust for a second there. False alarm, everybody!" he told all the Harry/Voldemort shippers reading the fanfiction.

"All right, enough of this slash already," grumbled Bellatrix. "AVADA KEDAVRA!!!" She pointed her wand at Harry, who managed to duck just in time.

"HA! Missed, bitch!" he said triumphantly, oblivious to the fact that the curse was now heading for the random Erumpent horn hanging on the Malfoys' wall.

_KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!ONE!!!!!!!!_

Malfoy Manor exploded, and all the people inside were killed gruesomely. Two redheads watching from the bush smiled proudly at the chaos their gift had created.

"See, Fred?" said George. "I told you that an Erumpent horn was the perfect thing to give ol' Moldy Shorts for his birthday!"

"You were right, mate," agreed Fred, smiling. "Too bad Harry had to die too, though."

George shrugged. "He's already died in like every other chapter."

"True," conceded Fred. He shook his fist at the ruins of Malfoy Manor. "That'll teach you for ruining our Quidditch, Voldemort!!!" he yelled to the sky.

"Oh, let's just high-five and end this chapter already," said George.

And they did so.

* * *

_Random question time: Whose bright idea was it to put this story in the C2 for HarrySlash? Whatever. REVIEW!!!! And keep bringing me new ideas... they actually do get used sometimes!!!!!!!!_


	6. Emo Harry And The Dursleys

_Who's psyched for chapter 6?!?!? I know I am, since I actually thought up this one myself!! __I've wanted to do emo Harry and the Dursleys for a while now. __But don't worry, I still happily take requests, as the three of you whose ideas I used can attest. :D_

_Disclaimer: Yeah.__ You all are pretty intelligent people; I think you get it by now. __Oh, and __ummm__… drugs baaaaaaaaaad._

* * *

It was summertime, and children were laughing, playing on the swingsets, and having water balloon fights, having the time of their little lives. 

But not Harry Potter.

Sure, he was in the playground with the rest of them, but he wasn't having any fun. He sat sadly on one of the swings, thinking that if only Ron and Hermione had survived Chapter 2, then maybe they would be here throwing water balloons at him. But nooooooo. They had gone and died on him, just like everybody else in his life! Well, except the Weasley twins, of course, but he wasn't speaking to them, since they had made him die in the last chapter.

"Hey mister!" said one of the annoying little kids, distracting him from his eternal ANGST. "I wanna swing now!"

"GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!" Harry screamed at the little kid, who kicked him in the shin and ran away crying for his mother. Harry felt depressed again; he wished he had a mother to cry for. But it was getting late, so Harry had no choice but to drag his fifteen-year-old feet back to the Dursleys' house for his daily dose of child abuse.

"There you are, boy!" his Uncle Vernon barked as he shuffled through the front door. "You were gone so long, we thought you had died!" His massive face was full of disappointment.

"If only," Harry groaned. "I'ma go cut myself now…" He began to mope up to his room.

"Not so fast!!!!!" screeched his Aunt Petunia. "You still haven't built us that new deck!"

"Do Brits even have decks?" Harry wondered aloud.

"We do if Da Phoenix says we do!" said Dudley, not even looking up from his Mario Party game.

"Whatever," said Harry, his face falling. "I'll just go up to my room and tell Hedwig to send a letter to Sirius…" He stopped, remembering that both Hedwig and Sirius were dead, thanks to some bitch named J.K. Rowling. "I'm so aloooooooooone!!" he cried miserably, bursting into tears.

"If you're going to cry, at least use the tears for something productive!" snapped Aunt Petunia irritably. "Go stand over the sink and start washing the dishes!"

Harry obliged, still sobbing his little emo heart out. He thought miserably of all the people he had lost over the years: his parents, Sirius, Hedwig, Dumbledore, Ron, Hermione, Cedric, Ginny, Mr. Weasley, Mrs. Weasley, Bill, Percy (oh wait. Whatever.), Colin, Dobby, Hagrid, that random Hogwarts teacher killed at the beginning of the seventh book (oh wait, this was only year 5. Just kidding!), Lupin, Tonks, Mark Evans, and the love of his life, Parvati. With every dead person he thought of, another fresh wave of tears began, and in this way all the dishes eventually got clean.

"About friggin' time!" barked his uncle in his own unique way of comforting his nephew.

"Well, I'll just… _go upstairs and keep dying inside!!_" Harry sobbed, starting to leave the room.

"Not so fast!" said Dudley. "Aren't you going to stay here and have a Mario Party party with me?"

"Um… no," said Harry, sniffling, amazed that Dudley was being nice without the Dementors having shown up yet. "I'm a little too _down in the dumps_ for that right now…"

"Well, we haven't even started with the verbal abuse yet!" pouted Aunt Petunia. "Won't you at least stick around for that?"

Harry considered. "Eh, why not?" he said, sitting on the couch and making himself comfortable. "Probably won't make me more upset than I am already…"

"That's the spirit!" said Uncle Vernon happily. "Now, where were we? Oh yeah! Freak."

"Nerd," threw in his aunt; Dudley was still playing Mario Party with himself obliviously.

"Those glasses make you look fat."

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. No seriously, he did."

"Hairy pothead." His uncle beamed, proud of his originality.

"Barbie lover."

"Um… awkward… parakeet?" Uncle Vernon was running out of ideas fast.

"Paris Hilton enthusiast," his aunt spat.

"Yeah!" agreed Uncle Vernon, having exhausted his own supply of insults.

Harry sat there stoically, letting the verbal abuse wash over him. He was too used to it to let it get to him anymore, but it still wasn't okay for them to yell at him like that. In fact, he had been planning his revenge for almost twelve years now, ever since the day when he was three years old and found out what the word "revenge" meant.

"You done?" he asked indifferently.

"I guess so," said Aunt Petunia, with a scathing glance at Uncle Vernon, "since your uncle can't insult anyone worth crap anymore."

"Mario Party???" asked Dudley, holding up a controller for Harry and looking hopeful.

"In a sec," said Harry, smiling at his cousin. "Just gotta do something real quick."

He cleared his throat significantly, threw back his head, and said loudly and completely out of context: "But what about VOLDEMORT?!?!?!?"

His aunt and uncle looked very confused. "Voldy what?" Uncle Vernon finally said.

Harry looked around; surprisingly, Voldemort hadn't shown up. "a-HEM!!" he said, glaring at the doorway to the Dursleys' living room.

Voldemort's hideous, chalky, disgusting face poked out from the foyer. "Was- was that my cue?" he asked, obviously confused. "Sorry…" His head went back in, as he waved his hand, saying, "Do-over!"

Harry looked back at the still-not suspicious Dursleys, tapping his toe as he paused for a moment, letting Voldemort get ready. "But what about VOLDEMORT?!?!?!?" he tried again.

This time, Voldemort remembered his cue, as he jumped into the living room and screamed, "WHAT ABOUT ME, _PUNK?!?!?!?!?" _and killed Mr. and Mrs. Dursley.

"Second time's the charm," he said, grinning sheepishly at his frenemy, Harry Potter.

"Well, whatever," scowled Harry. "At least you managed to kill someone in this chapter… now who's up for Mario Party?!?"

"OMG MEEEEEE!!!!!" squealed Dudley and Voldemort.

And so they had a Mario Party party, with Harry as Mario, Dudley as Donkey Kong, and Voldemort as Princess Peach. They were all having so much fun that Harry forgot he was emo, Voldemort forgot he was an evil megalomaniac who was supposed to kill Harry, and Dudley forgot everything he had ever known. However, things quickly went downhill (of course) by the end of the game, when Harry ended up with all the star coins or whatever.

"What the HELL?!?" screamed Voldemort as Harry stole all his coins. "AVADA KEDAVRA!!" And Harry was no more, whereas Dudley promptly dropped dead himself from a well-timed coronary.

"Hooray! I win!!!!!!" Voldemort cheered, not noticing the Dursleys' massive, recently acquired chandelier swaying ominously above his head as he spoke.

_CAH-RASHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!_

Voldemort was crushed to death by the chandelier, and Peeves zoomed away, cackling madly.

* * *

Meanwhile, George Weasley was sitting alone in his flat above Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes with all the lights shut off, feeling as miserable as Harry had two pages before. He had been like this ever since Fred had… _left_ him. He sniffled, wiping away a lonely tear. Now how could the chapter end, if Fred wasn't here to high-five him anymore?!? 

Just then, the door burst open, and someone stumbled in, carrying a bag of groceries.

"OMG FRED!!!!!" George leapt up and ran over to his twin. "You've come back!!!!"

Fred rolled his eyes. "I was gone for five minutes to get some more lemon pie… we've been running low ever since Voldemort went and ate all of ours. Separation anxiety much?"

"_Don't ever leave me again!!!!"_ George cried, grabbing his brother in a tight hug. "Do you have any idea how worried I was that Da Phoenix was going to kill you off like J.K. Rowling did?!?!?"

"Da Phoenix'd never do that, she loves us too much!" Fred struggled, trying to free himself from his brother's embrace. "C'mon George, gerroff me… we've already done the twincest joke once…"

"SHUT UP AND HUG ME LIKE A MAN!!"

Sighing, Fred did so, clapping his brother on the back in a TOTALLY NOT INCESTUOUS WAY, and thus the chapter ended.

* * *

_So you can probably tell by now that I'm a little bit in love with the Weasley twins (especially George… hearts!). And I am completely miserable that JKR killed my Freddie!!!! (cries miserably) Speaking of Fred dying, I wrote a serious fanfiction (ZOMG!) about George's reaction to Fred's death, and, because I am a shameless self-promoter, I'd like all y'all to check it out, and to REVIEW IT!!! Because no one has yet, and if it sucks, I'd like to know so I can focus my efforts on funny fics, since apparently I'm good at those? Sooooo yeah._

_Plans for the next chapter: Order meeting, for Ziggy Frances and Sweet Sadie! Although I SWEAR I was going to do the Order before Ziggy suggested it._

_Nowwwww 1, 2, 3! Review me! 1, 2, 4! Review me more!_


	7. The Order of Da Phoenix

_Remember how I said in chapter 1 that this story would only be like 3 chapters long? Well, since we're on chapter 7 now, I lied. Get over it. And for the like 30-ish people sticking with this story… OMG THANK YOU!!!! You guys all rock my __sockx__. :) Shout out to __Ziggy__ Frances and Sweet Sadie for telling me to write this chapter. __And Serenity12345…__ I'm TRYING MY BEST to torment Snape__, I really am!!!_

_Disclaimer: _

_Harry Potter is not mine,_

_So please, oh please, none of you whine._

_And if you say that I'm on drugs_

_Then I won't give you any hugs._

* * *

The night Voldemort came back to life, Dumbledore was kind of freaked out. I mean, who wouldn't be, after their ex-love interest came back from the dead? So Dumbledore reassembled the Order of the Phoenix, who proceeded to do what any sane people would do in such a crisis situation. 

They threw a wild dance party.

And, since they were mostly old, generally unhip people, it wasn't a pretty sight. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were grinding on the dance floor (their seven children all averted their eyes, scarred for life); Mrs. Figg was chugging butterbeers with her handy-dandy, trusty-rusty beer bong; and Remus Lupin had disappeared into a dark corner of number twelve, Grimmauld Place with a certain young Metamorphmagus. Meanwhile, Sirius, Dumbledore, and Mad-Eye Moody had gathered quite a crowd around them, since they were doing pretty much the COOLEST/ MOST ANNOYING DANCE EVER:

"_Soulja boy up in this hoe, watch me crank it, __watch__ me roll! Watch me crank __dat__ soulja boy then superman __dat__…"_

"WHOA!" shouted Ron abruptly, ignoring Hermione's blatant sexual advances as they both had mysteriously returned from the dead. "This is a children's book, everyone!! What kind of example do you think you're setting?!?!?!?!?" He shot a pointed glance at his parents, who were blushing.

"Well, Ronald, how else do you think your mother and I had seven kids?" responded Arthur Weasley, straightening his glasses.

"_EW EW __EW __EW __EW __EW __EW __EW __EW__!!!!"_ Fred shrieked as George cried, "_We SO didn't need to get that mental image, thank you very much!!"_

"Yes, well, Mr. Weasley makes a good point," deadpanned Snape, who until this point had been resisting Sirius's drunken attempts to make him join the Soulja Boy dance. Mr. Weasley smiled, pleased with himself, until Snape frowned and corrected, "No, no, not you, Arthur, your obnoxious son." ("Heyyy!" Ron whined.) "And your twin sons as well… no one needed to picture that. We _are_ trying to keep our T rating, after all…" Snape shuddered involuntarily, then continued:

"We really need to determine how the hell we're going to survive this war Potter caused by reawakening the ancient evil that is Lord Voldemort." Harry was not there to defend his actions, since at that very moment he was busy playing Mario Party with the Dark Lord himself. "Anyone have any ideas?"

The Order assembled around the table, although they were all kind of too drunk to make any sort of coherent plan. Meanwhile, "Crank That" was still going in the background, distracting most of the sober people from any sort of serious thought about battle plans.

"…Maybe we could just make friends with the Death Eaters?" suggested Tonks, smoothing her pink hair back into place from when Lupin had messed it up.

"Are you MAD, Miss Tonks?!" barked Moody, pounding his gnarled fist into the table. "They'll tear out our kidneys with their teeth and eat them for brunch!! I say our best plan is to put poison into Voldemort's lemon pies, and hope his obsession finally brings him down." The Weasley twins muttered together, wondering why they had never thought of that.

"But that's so MEAN!!" whimpered the naïve Tonks. "All they want to do is play Barbies… and take over the Wizarding world," she muttered as an afterthought. "OK, fine, Crazy Eyes…"

"MAD-EYE!!!" Moody corrected irritably.

"Whatever. You're right. But what can we DO??? Any ideas, Professor Dumbledore? …Professor??"

Everyone turned their heads to look at the headmaster, who hadn't been paying any attention to the important conversation. His face had a zoned-out look on it, and he was murmuring under his breath while dancing in his seat: "_YOUUU (__crank __dat__ soulja boy)__ now watch me YOUUU (__crank __dat__ soulja boy)__ now watch me YOUUU…"_

"TURN OFF THAT DAMN SONG!!!!!" Snape screamed at Kreacher, who mercifully had put his loincloth back on since chapter 1, and Kreacher obliged.

"Well, I think that poisoning the lemon pies is a bit extreme," said Lupin, swallowing several chocolate-dipped Chocolate Frogs and washing them down with hot chocolate. "Let's not sink to his level… besides, we don't want to mar such a life-saving dessert!" Remus reminisced happily back to the day when lemon pie had saved his life from Voldemort on the day of the fateful tea party.

Tonks sighed happily. "You're so hot when you flash back!" The two of them promptly began snogging again.

_"Wait a minute!!"_ Mrs. Weasley screeched. "Fred! George! You're not supposed to be at this meeting, you're not in the Order!!"

"But Mum, we totally are!" Fred protested.

"You're not members of the Order of the Phoenix!" shouted Kingsley, who in the midst of the drunken revelry had managed to stay sober and somewhat in character.

"Ohhh… you're right, we're not," agreed George.

"But we are in the Order of Da Phoenix!" Fred pointed out.

"The WHAT?!?!?" cried out the much-less-cool Order.

"We're a secret society," explained Lupin, who had pulled away from Tonks and was now wolfing (no pun intended) down several large chunks of chocolate fudge cake, "who are under the constant protection of the Omnipotent, Benevolent Author."

"How is she benevolent?!" shrieked Professor McGonagall. "She's killed like all of us in ways to horrible to even PONDER!" At that moment, Professor McGonagall got struck by lightning and was fried like a piece of bologna.

"Anyway," Fred continued, as if nothing had happened, "it's pretty much the reason we don't die."

"We definitely get cooler tattoos than the Death Eaters, anyway!" George exclaimed, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a lilac heart engraved with the initials _GW & DP 4EVER_.

"Um, George?" Lupin ventured. "None of the rest of us has that one…"

Molly Weasley scowled. "Hey, hello, but what about…" The Order took a collective breath and held it, terrified of what was about to happen. "…You-Know-Who?" Everyone let out their breath, relieved that Molly was too afraid/intelligent to speak Voldemort's name.

"Molly's right," said Sirius. "We still have no plan for beating him!"

"Sounds like a personal problem," slurred Mrs. Figg drunkenly as she passed out cold.

Mundungus Fletcher shook his head at her. "Ol' Figgy can't hold her liquor," he said sagely, taking a huge swig from his third forty of butterbeer of the evening.

"Okay everyone, so back to the whole shouting-out suggestions thing," said Kingsley, resigned to the chaos that these meetings always degenerated into.

And indeed, everyone was shouting so incoherently that no one could tell what the others' ideas were… though most of them were irrelevant to the problem at hand anyway.

"QUIET!!!" barked Sirius, and everyone shut their faces. "Albus… you've been awfully quiet during this meeting. What's your plan?"

Dumbledore began to open his mouth, but Sirius cut him off, saying, "_No_, Albus, we are not going to 'superman dat hoe'." Dumbledore closed his mouth.

"I have another idea!!" shouted the bloodthirsty Moody. "Let's go over to their lair when they're all playing Barbies and CHOP THEIR FREAKIN' HEADS OFF!!!!"

"That's madness!" gasped Lupin and Kingsley.

Moody stood up, looking almost as crazy as Mr. Crouch had in chapter 2 before he went berserk and killed everyone. "Madness?!? THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!! I mean, um… England?" Depressed that he lived in such a peace-loving country, Moody got up and moved to Sparta, where he led 300 Spartans to certain death against the forces of Persia.

"Oh, whatever!" said Tonks cheerfully. "Let's just keep on partying so Remus and I can get it on!" There was an enthusiastic murmur of agreement around the table, save from Snape, Kingsley, and Lupin.

Ron was aghast. "But what about… um, Oldemort-Vay?" He beamed, proud of his genius.

But unfortunately, Ron was no Hermione, and so Voldemort showed up anyway.

"WHAT ABOUT ME, _UNK-PAY?!?!?!?!?_" he howled, unleashing the full power of his wrath against the Order of the Phoenix. There were killing curses flying everywhere, although they all miraculously avoided Lupin, Fred, and George. Moments later, the Order of the Phoenix was all dead, leaving only the Order of Da Phoenix, Snape, and Dumbledore alive.

Looking around to see who was still standing, Voldemort pointed his wand at Fred before realizing that his spell would backfire since the twin was under the protection of the Omnipotent Author, and he lowered his wand in disappointment.

"Oh Tom, why must you kill people so?" pouted Dumbledore, sticking out his lower lip.

Voldemort looked at Albus with his eyes shining with tears and love. "I don't know, darling," he whispered. Their eyes met and they began get closer and closer together, their old-man lips about to meet in a mind-blowing, spine-tingling, eye-scarring kiss…

"That's so DISGUSTING!" shouted Snape, horrified at the lengths to which J.K. Rowling's masterpiece was deteriorating under the sick imagination of Da Phoenix. "There's no WAY that the two of you would ever be a canon couple… what on earth is running through the minds of these fanfic writers?!?"

And almost as quickly as their love scene had begun, it ended, as Voldemort jumped away from Dumbledore with hatred gleaming in his red eyes and Dumbledore began doing the Soulja Boy dance once more. "AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!" Voldemort yelled, and dat hoe was supersoaked… I mean, Dumbledore was dead.

"SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEMORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" George screamed, scandalized.

"How could you destroy a love that was so pure?!?" Lupin sobbed. Then he was struck by lightning as a mark of the Omnipotent Author's displeasure, terminating his membership with the Order of Da Phoenix and therefore killing him too.

Fred caught George's eye, and his twin nodded, giving the signal that Operation End This Fanfiction Once And For All was ready to get underway. Fred ducked under the table and grabbed the twins' secret weapon, ready to attack Voldemort with it.

"Snape!" Voldemort was yelling at everyone's favorite turncoat now. "How DARE you break up my relationship with Albus?!? First you destroy my Skipper doll, and now _this?!?!?!?!!!???"_ He raised his wand. "_Scourgify!_" Instantly, Snape's greasy hair became squeaky clean; he screamed in agony, and his head exploded.

"Hey Moldy Shorts!!" the Weasley twins yelled; Voldemort turned, livid.

"_Haven't you two learned not to call me that by now?!?!?_" he screeched angrily, but it was too late. Fred had hit the Dark Lord with their secret weapon: a cardboard box full of flobberworms. Voldemort cried out in horror and pain.

"Curse you twooooooooo…" he moaned as the flobberworms slowly ate him to death. Within minutes, Voldemort was gone forever, devoured by toothless insects. Realizing that this death lacked explosions, Fred threw a Dungbomb, which made an adequately loud noise to satisfy this chapter's quota for predictability.

"Now only one thing left to do!" said George happily, holding up his hand for a high-five, but Fred shook his head.

"Not so fast, dear twin of mine," he said, "we still need to have a cheesy epilogue!!"

**TO BE CONTINUED!!!!**

_

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_

_Yes, I'm serious about ending this __fanfiction__ once and for all. One, because it hasn't been going anywhere since Chapter 1, two, because I'm tired of writing it, and three, because only 36 of you are still reading it, compared to the 400 that have read at chapter 1! While that's probably pretty good, I don't really want to drag out this story any longer than it needs to be. So yes, there WILL be an epilogue, and yes, it WILL mean the end of the story, and no, Ron will NOT come back to life and marry Dobby. Sorry __everyone. I __know__ that would have been the wedding of the century…_

_Oh, guess what?!? I HAD LEMON PIE THE OTHER DAY!!!! But sadly, it was disgusting. Campus dining hates me. :(_

_So stay __tuned,__ my 36 loyal fans!! Oh, and hit me __wit__' __dem__' __reviewz__! (Hey, even if the story's ending, I still want to hear what you thought of this chapter… and all the other chapters…)_


	8. Epilogue: 19 Seconds Later

_Okies, everyone, here is the epilogue- I mean, thrilling conclusion!! I hope it provides some sort of closure to this random, not-at-all connected story._

_LAST DISCLAIMER!!: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't have to keep resurrecting Fred, because he never would have died. RIP Fred, RIP._

* * *

19 seconds later, Fred and George were already bored. They were in number twelve, Grimmauld Place, surrounded by the bodies of all their friends, relatives, frenemies, enemies, acquaintances, and all the cameo characters they had ever seen. 

"Hey!" said George abruptly, walking over to the body of a youngish boy. "What's Mark Evans doing with the Order?"

"Well, he _was_ the Half-Blood Prince," said Fred, starting to fall asleep from boredom.

"I thought that was Snape," said George, looking confused.

Fred blinked, looking puzzled for a moment too. "Oh right," he finally said. "Well, in that case, he was Harry's half-brother, spawned from an illicit affair between Snape and Harry's mom that she had from beyond the grave." When George still looked bewildered, he explained, "He's R.A.B.…"

"Ohhhh," said George, looking satisfied. "That explains everything. But what are we supposed to DO now that everyone's staying dead?!?"

The twins pondered for a moment, once again faced with the dilemma of perpetuating the human race without any females. But just then, three figures on broomsticks swooped down from the sky, bearing three familiar faces.

"Angelina!" cried Fred happily, reaching for his only true love… which was Angelina, and not George.

"Alicia!" said George, overjoyed to see his old Quidditch friend back from making sandcastles.

"NEVILLE?!?" the twins said together, startled to see the pudgy Gryffindor boy there.

"Hey guys!" said Neville cheerfully, waving at them.

The Weasley twins were confused again. They turned to Angelina for answers, since Alicia had spotted a mud puddle and ran off to jump in it.

"We were off playing Quidditch on Jupiter," Angelina explained, "and we found Neville there and decided to take him back with us."

"I was studying Jupiterian Herbology, thank you very much!" said Neville indignantly.

"Whatever," said Fred, dismissing Neville with a wave of his hand. "But this is great! Now we can repopulate the planet!!" And he grabbed Angelina and whisked her off into his bedroom. George frowned, not least because that was supposed to be his bedroom too.

"Aw GREAT!" he sulked. "Now I'm stuck with the crazy girl!" He shot a scathing glance at Alicia, who was giggling with joy like a two-year-old.

"Well, if you don't want her, I'll take her," said Neville hopefully. "She reminds me of Luna… back when she was alive, anyway." Neville thought back sadly to the day in Chapter 2 when Voldemort had killed everyone on Earth – including Luna.

"Wait, didn't you die in Chapter 2 too?" asked George.

"Yeah, but I came back to life. I'm in the Order of Da Phoenix now," said Neville proudly.

"Sweet! Lupin used to be, but he'd been marked for death since like, Book 5," George explained to Neville and the 12 rabid readers of the fanfiction, "so Da Phoenix let him go." The two boys hung their heads sadly.

"But wait, if you take Alicia, that means I'll end up alone!!!" George wailed miserably.

"No you won't!!!!" George gasped as a girl with short, ADORABLE brown hair and glasses descended from the clouds and stood before him.

"Are you… Da Phoenix?!?" he breathed, looking at the newcomer.

"You betcha, handsome!" Da Phoenix said proudly, as she kissed him passionately. And since she was the Omnipotent Author, George had no choice but to fall madly in love with her too.

And so the Weasleys and Neville had millions of babies and filled up the planet: Fred and Angelina (who had merged into the single organism Frangelina) with their mischievous, red-headed babies; Neville and Alicia with their clumsy Quidditch-playing offspring (which, as it turned out, was a really bad combination); and George and Da Phoenix with their magical, HILARIOUS children. However, that was not quite the end of the story. Ohhh NO!

After the birth of their 35th child, Alicia was heartbroken to discover that Neville had been in love with… _someone else_ for years.

"I can't believe you'd do this to me!!" she cried while diapering their newborn, Dobby Voldemort Spinnet-Longbottom. "What about our CHILDREN?!?!? Was I just a marriage of convenience all this time????"

"Pretty much," replied Neville, snogging his _Mimbulus __mimbletonia_ passionately. Alicia sobbed and threw herself out the window, forcing Da Phoenix to raise all Neville's kids along with the 77 she had with George.

Fred and George looked happily at each other, surrounded by their millions of children and the women they loved… and Neville. "Only one thing to do at a time like this," said George happily.

"Indubitably!" agreed Fred, as the Weasley twins exchanged their last high-five of the fanfiction.

But not of their lives, because they both lived FOREVER.

**THE END!!!!!!!!!!!**

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_So I hope all of you still reading liked the story! Oh, and Neville came back for this chapter because I love him and didn't want to go the whole story without him appearing more than once! So that's what's up with that. I'm not really sure what's next for me… I actually want to tackle another, longer, serious piece. __Soooo__ if you like me/ __angsty__ George __fics__, keep an eye out for it! And I've also got an idea for a humorous fic featuring Voldemort writing an advice column… good idea or not? Feedback please!!_

_And don't worry everyone! The fun that is "But What About VOLDEMORT???" can still continue… as long as you all REVIEW!!! I'm totally serious. I love reviews, and if there's ever a SEQUEL… well, let's just say I'll have a starting point._

_PEACE! ---__Da__ Phoenix---_


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